I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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