so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That was before I lit my hair on fire
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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