Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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