No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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