Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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