That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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