i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
