Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
