No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
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Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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