Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
