Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
