i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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