got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
