She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
