is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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