Betty ford says i'm here all night
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
