Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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