Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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