Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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