***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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