So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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