Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
