I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
