just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
as a side note pls kill me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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