after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
