Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?