I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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