After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
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Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of