Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
