Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
