My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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