my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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