I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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