none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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