Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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