yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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