I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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