you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
