I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
