Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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