I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
