Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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