I think my fart just growled at me.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
