Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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