If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
