when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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