I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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