zippers are such a cool invention
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
