I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
