there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
