I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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