you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
