Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
