I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
