I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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