the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Randomize