I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
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What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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