Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
